It’s been a few years since we’ve been to the zoo, what with being really pregnant for a while, and then having a baby. We haven’t really been able to do much while she was so little. Today we went to the zoo with some friends and had a great time. Eden met Parker and Autumn for the first time ever. It’s great having friends with children to share these moments with. I’m not really sure how interested Eden was in the animals, but she absolutely loved all the babies around. Here are some iPhone photos from today. I shot about two packs of PX70 Color Shade from Impossible, but don’t have time to scan them at the moment, so I’ll get to that later. Peace!
Eden Yzzy turned 8 months yesterday. How did that even happen? She’s been walking along the couch and scaling the walls, and has even let go a few times. She even finally started laughing more, except she usually does it when I say ‘ow’ after she pulls my hair. We’ve been teaching her lots of silly faces and noises and she’s such a pro at nailing them! I’m so proud of her when she learns something new.
I decided to purchase the new Adobe app for iPhone (photoshop touch). I had a lot of fun with it at first, then slowly became detached, like everything else I buy. I don’t really edit any of my photos in the program, but I do use the layering tool like a mad woman. Here are a few digital photos that I created in the program. If you don’t like nebulas then you can go and fuck yourself.
I still use the app sometimes, but not as much as I did when I first got it. It’s fun. I recommend it.
I was going through photos today when I came across one of me swinging out over a creek on a rope. It made me ache for summer again, and also youth. I will be 27 years old next month, and yes, I consider being 21/22 ‘youth’. I remember these days well, even through waking up and drinking beers in the shower every one of them. Was I an alcoholic? Maybe. But every awkward step I took in the wrong direction when I was younger led me here – to this life. It’s funny how a photo (especially a polaroid) can bring you back, way way back – and you still remember how everything around you smelled, and the sounds of the waterfall pounding on more water below it. I remember how the mist felt on my body as I suntanned on the hot rocks. The first time I ever came here, I was 17 and I caught a giant butterfly in mid-air and tied a string to it. I tied the other end to Zach Lerman’s hair and watched it fly in circles. This was 2007. I was 22 and it was the summer that I spent a lot of time shooting polaroids with Chad. I was apprenticing under Andy at the tattoo shop and had just gotten dumped by my ex husband (for like the 3rd time). I drank heavily and would drive over to his apartment and throw rocks at his window. I was crazy. I spent a lot of time at this creek and I just wanted to share the polaroids I had of it. I will probably never go back again.
It’s not everything I ever dreamed of. In fact, I never dreamed about having a child as an adolescent or as a young adult. It’s not something that I wanted to put my body through. It never appealed to me. I think somewhere inside most women is a clock, and when the alarm goes off – BOOM – they all of a sudden want to have a baby. at least that’s how it works according to me.
39 weeks I carried this human being around inside of me. Feeding it cake and ice cream, until it reached an estimated 9+ lbs. I won! Except not really. An induction was scheduled at week 39 because I was told that if we waited until 40 or more weeks, I would definitely probably maybe have a cesarean. There’s still a small part of me that thinks if I’d waited to birth my daughter naturally, that it would have happened how I’d wanted it. It didn’t. It was all kind of a nightmare to me. It was traumatic. But it was worth it, and now I have this amazing, blue-eyed, chubby cheeked beauty..and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
On July 26th we arrived at the hospital around 6 something in the evening. I was placed in a room. I had no idea of how long of a process birth was. When being induced, it can apparently take a very, very long time. I was only dilated to 1cm and had been for a few weeks. I suited up and set up camp in a bed that was highly uncomfortable. They started an IV drip and I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything. The nurse was such a bitch that I had to have Paul sneak me water from the bathroom because I was so thirsty. She also inserted progesterone tablets inside of me. She had to do two before I was having any major contractions. I wasn’t even put on pitocin until almost the next morning. I’m actually starting to forget what happened now.
I remember the epidural. I remember being very scared of the epidural. I remember my doctor coming in in the morning after I’d gotten absolutely no sleep and breaking my water. I could feel the warmth of it but not much since I was numb.
I’d spent all night in labor and would spend most of the next day in labor. somewhere between 18 and 20 hours contracting, not sleeping, not eating.. I was stressed out. I’d made it to 2 cm, 3, then 4.. all the way to 6! It was all happening! and then… it wasn’t.. something was wrong. She was stuck. Or, she was sleeping.
Our daughter had been pretty inactive the next morning while I was contracting. They even put a sugar drip on to try to wake her up. The fact of the matter was, I didn’t think that she was ready to come out, but the doctor wanted me to believe that she was too big to fit through my pelvis. She may have been right. I’ll never know. My cervix was so swollen that it began to close. This was the moment that I realized I wasn’t going to have my daughter naturally. The doctor discussed what was going to happen, and I agreed. Before I was induced, she described me as being ‘high risk’ for cesarean and I knew that it was a possibility. Unfortunately I hadn’t read up much about it, therefore, I was completely unprepared for the experience.
She left the room to make preparations and it was just Paul and I. I don’t remember at what point I broke down, but I remember clearly that I was in an oxygen mask and I was breathing cold crisp air while I was sobbing. I remember the air coming out of the sides of the mask and blowing against the tears on my cheeks and making them cold. Paul held me, and I told him that I was scared. I didn’t want this at all. I tried to stay calm, but it was hard to.
I was wheeled in to the operating room. Paul had to sit outside while I was prepared. He was wearing a mask and a hairnet.. some weird suit, and bags over his shoes. I was scared. I had never been this frightened before. A nurse pumped the most drugs I’ve ever seen into my epidural so that I would completely lose feeling. I was poked with a sharp object and asked if I was numb to it. The amount of painkillers made me so nauseous so they had to inject me with drugs to counteract that, I believe 3 times I had to have it because I was so sick. I kept asking where Paul was. They had cut me open before they even brought him in. He told me that when he entered the room he could see me cut open and there was a large container of blood that they were sucking out of me. He squeezed my hand, and I started shaking. I was still scared, and sick, and I could feel tugging happening down there, but felt no pain.
She assured me that they were almost finished and I would feel a final tug as they were pulling the rest of her out. I was very aware of what was happening. I was excited. I remember her very first cry and at that very moment I let go of every negative emotion that I had and felt nothing but love. I cried so much and felt so much joy when I heard her. Paul was able to hold her right after she was pulled from me and he held her close to my face. I was still pretty much just sobbing and convulsing the whole time. I shook for hours after I had her. The nurse said it was the effects of the painkillers. I watched them weigh her, and wipe her down. I was pretty much in shock. After I was able to hold her, they were still finishing stitching me up. I remember the smell of my flesh burning as they cauterized me. I hope I never have to smell that again as long as I live. They had to move me back onto a bed and then they whisked me through the halls to my room. Nothing felt real. When we arrived I waited patiently for them to bring her to me. Within 20 minutes of delivering, I nursed her for the first time. I remember it clearly. I stroked her head, and her face. Everything was magical.
Eden will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. She’s grown so much since this day. The noises that she makes and the smiles that she gives me melt my heart. I love her.
Eden was born on July 27th @ 5:10 PM. She was 8lbs 11oz and 20 and 1/4 inches
Eden is almost 1 month. I’ve been really busy not sleeping. I’d like to share her birth story, but I don’t have enough energy right now, so hopefully these pictures will do. Babies are super hard work, and they’re pretty boring at first, but she’s starting to notice her surroundings and make weird noises. She also screams a lot, but that’s because everything pisses her off right now. I really miss sleeping..
I’m so fascinated by her. I can’t believe something so perfect came from Paul and I’s DNA. I also can’t believe that such a large baby was inside of me for that long. I labored for 20 hours before my doctor said that she wasn’t coming out that way. That story is for another day.
My husband has been so wonderful throughout the whole ordeal. He made me feel safe and comfortable in the hospital, and took care of me after the cesarean. He’s such an amazing father, and I look forward to raising our daughter together. I know he’s going to make her laugh as much as he makes me laugh, and that’s golden.
By the way – she’s WEIRD.
Our daughter is 32 weeks today and we decided to have another 4D ultrasound done. The video is 22 minutes long, but I love every minute of it. She’s grown so much since the last time we had this done! around the 10 minute mark she yawns really big for the first time and you can see her chubby little double chin. She’s got so much fat on her! I wonder how much she weighs..? Only 8 more weeks to go. It’s been an incredible journey, but my body is swollen and it’s so hard to move around and get out of bed now. I’m ready to lose all of this extra weight. Our baby shower is next weekend. We just returned from our honey/babymoon in Florida. We ended up going to Boca Grande, Sanibel, and Venice beach – where we found a lot of awesome beach treasures and shark teeth. I’ll do a vacation post soon.
18 minutes of our awesome baby doing awesome things
I tried it once. I didn’t like it.
I tried it again. I couldn’t get it right.
I tried it one last time. I’m over it.
PX70 PUSH! was the first color film put out for SX70 cameras from The Impossible Project. I was ecstatic, but couldn’t really get too excited about it. I mean, it was the first flush – and practice makes perfect. Since then, they have come out with some pretty spectacular color films, which I tested and I’ll blog about soon. PUSH! film was so difficult for me. I just couldn’t get it right for some reason. One or two out of every eight pictures might turn out. It’s super light/temperature sensitive, so you had to be so much more careful with it than the newer film. Regardless of it being a pain in my ass, I got a few pretty incredible shots with it. I remember posting some a long time ago. I just had the privilege of shooting a few more packs, just for old time’s sake, and I said goodbye to PUSH film forever. Here are the six shots out of 24 that turned out. Not bad, huh?
Well. That’s about it for now. Life is good, and Eden meets the world in a little less than 5 months!