It’s not everything I ever dreamed of. In fact, I never dreamed about having a child as an adolescent or as a young adult. It’s not something that I wanted to put my body through. It never appealed to me. I think somewhere inside most women is a clock, and when the alarm goes off – BOOM – they all of a sudden want to have a baby. at least that’s how it works according to me.
39 weeks I carried this human being around inside of me. Feeding it cake and ice cream, until it reached an estimated 9+ lbs. I won! Except not really. An induction was scheduled at week 39 because I was told that if we waited until 40 or more weeks, I would definitely probably maybe have a cesarean. There’s still a small part of me that thinks if I’d waited to birth my daughter naturally, that it would have happened how I’d wanted it. It didn’t. It was all kind of a nightmare to me. It was traumatic. But it was worth it, and now I have this amazing, blue-eyed, chubby cheeked beauty..and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
On July 26th we arrived at the hospital around 6 something in the evening. I was placed in a room. I had no idea of how long of a process birth was. When being induced, it can apparently take a very, very long time. I was only dilated to 1cm and had been for a few weeks. I suited up and set up camp in a bed that was highly uncomfortable. They started an IV drip and I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything. The nurse was such a bitch that I had to have Paul sneak me water from the bathroom because I was so thirsty. She also inserted progesterone tablets inside of me. She had to do two before I was having any major contractions. I wasn’t even put on pitocin until almost the next morning. I’m actually starting to forget what happened now.
I remember the epidural. I remember being very scared of the epidural. I remember my doctor coming in in the morning after I’d gotten absolutely no sleep and breaking my water. I could feel the warmth of it but not much since I was numb.
I’d spent all night in labor and would spend most of the next day in labor. somewhere between 18 and 20 hours contracting, not sleeping, not eating.. I was stressed out. I’d made it to 2 cm, 3, then 4.. all the way to 6! It was all happening! and then… it wasn’t.. something was wrong. She was stuck. Or, she was sleeping.
Our daughter had been pretty inactive the next morning while I was contracting. They even put a sugar drip on to try to wake her up. The fact of the matter was, I didn’t think that she was ready to come out, but the doctor wanted me to believe that she was too big to fit through my pelvis. She may have been right. I’ll never know. My cervix was so swollen that it began to close. This was the moment that I realized I wasn’t going to have my daughter naturally. The doctor discussed what was going to happen, and I agreed. Before I was induced, she described me as being ‘high risk’ for cesarean and I knew that it was a possibility. Unfortunately I hadn’t read up much about it, therefore, I was completely unprepared for the experience.
She left the room to make preparations and it was just Paul and I. I don’t remember at what point I broke down, but I remember clearly that I was in an oxygen mask and I was breathing cold crisp air while I was sobbing. I remember the air coming out of the sides of the mask and blowing against the tears on my cheeks and making them cold. Paul held me, and I told him that I was scared. I didn’t want this at all. I tried to stay calm, but it was hard to.
I was wheeled in to the operating room. Paul had to sit outside while I was prepared. He was wearing a mask and a hairnet.. some weird suit, and bags over his shoes. I was scared. I had never been this frightened before. A nurse pumped the most drugs I’ve ever seen into my epidural so that I would completely lose feeling. I was poked with a sharp object and asked if I was numb to it. The amount of painkillers made me so nauseous so they had to inject me with drugs to counteract that, I believe 3 times I had to have it because I was so sick. I kept asking where Paul was. They had cut me open before they even brought him in. He told me that when he entered the room he could see me cut open and there was a large container of blood that they were sucking out of me. He squeezed my hand, and I started shaking. I was still scared, and sick, and I could feel tugging happening down there, but felt no pain.
She assured me that they were almost finished and I would feel a final tug as they were pulling the rest of her out. I was very aware of what was happening. I was excited. I remember her very first cry and at that very moment I let go of every negative emotion that I had and felt nothing but love. I cried so much and felt so much joy when I heard her. Paul was able to hold her right after she was pulled from me and he held her close to my face. I was still pretty much just sobbing and convulsing the whole time. I shook for hours after I had her. The nurse said it was the effects of the painkillers. I watched them weigh her, and wipe her down. I was pretty much in shock. After I was able to hold her, they were still finishing stitching me up. I remember the smell of my flesh burning as they cauterized me. I hope I never have to smell that again as long as I live. They had to move me back onto a bed and then they whisked me through the halls to my room. Nothing felt real. When we arrived I waited patiently for them to bring her to me. Within 20 minutes of delivering, I nursed her for the first time. I remember it clearly. I stroked her head, and her face. Everything was magical.
Eden will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. She’s grown so much since this day. The noises that she makes and the smiles that she gives me melt my heart. I love her.
Eden was born on July 27th @ 5:10 PM. She was 8lbs 11oz and 20 and 1/4 inches
